Month: June 2011

I’ll Be the One in the Tiara

I sat down to write a post about what I was doing to prepare for the ALA conference next week, thinking I could watch Toddlers & Tiaras at the same time.  That was a stupid idea.  Toddlers & Tiaras is not background noise.  It’s five-year-olds drinking Red Bull and swearing at their mothers while they’re getting cucumber facials.  That’s main event material.  The show did, however, turn out to be a great self-esteem boost—it turns out I’m the best mother in the world.

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Moving on to ALA.  The American Library Association’s Annual Conference is in New Orleans at the end of June, and I’m going!  Here are the things I’m excited about, in no particular order:

  1. Bazillions of book people and librarians—book nerds unite!
  2. Being in the Big Easy and calling it the Big Easy until people tell me to stop being annoying
  3. Sitting on a plane with a purse, as opposed to a backpack full of Transformers and Barbies
  4. Stalking, er, I mean meeting other authors
  5. Meeting my fabulous editor
  6. Getting my first ever restraining order for stalking other authors
  7. Talking about VIRTUOSITY and launching ARCs into crowds

I might not actually be allowed to throw books at people, but everything else up there is for real.  I’ll be participating in the Simon & Schuster Debut Author Speed Dating Reception on Monday evening, which I’m nervous-but-in-a-good-way about.  I’m usually pretty comfortable speaking as long as I’m prepared, so here’s my question: HOW DOES ONE PREPARE FOR SPEED DATING?

I decided to do a little research.  First I watched a few episodes of Millionaire Matchmaker, which proved mildly entertaining, but useless.  I’m already married to the man of my dreams (he’s not a millionaire, but he has a pretty sweet t-shirt collection), and Patty scares the crap out of me.  That’s not really relevant, but it is true.

Then I turned to the internet and got some interesting tips.  Like don’t show up drunk.  Probably smart.  And don’t go in showing tooooo much cleavage.  Also a good idea.  I made a special note of that one.  The rest didn’t really apply, because I don’t think librarians care if I talk about my ex-boyfriends or not, so I think I just might.

Luckily enough, I still have Toddlers & Tiaras fresh in my mind, and I tell ya, those little divas know how to prepare for an event.  This is why I’ve decided to get ready for ALA speed dating by getting a deep-bronze spray tan, drinking five Red Bulls, and screaming at my mother (I’ll Skype her if I must) while somebody back-combs my hair.  I may also suck on a pacifier if I’m feeling it.   And if I don’t walk out of there as ultimate grand supreme mini speed dater, then I’m going to be ripping books apart and screaming like a stuck pig.  Wish me luck.

Oh, and if you’re there—COME SAY HI!!!  I might even let you try on my tiara.