I’m never going to win an Olympic medal. Sad, I know, but I’m 32, so I think I would already have to be good at an event, right? I hear you can start sports like archery and bowling later on and still reach competitive levels, but I have no aim and suffer from a genetic condition called wimpy-stick-arms—thanks for that Dad.
So no Olympic medal for me. I’ve also aged out of American Idol (officially) and Top Model (never had a chance).
Virtuosity just received the Silver Medal for the Florida Book Award! The awards are presented next month at a luncheon at the Governor’s Mansion in Tallahassee, which might as well be the Taj Mahal as far as I’m concerned.
I wasn’t raised American, so sometimes I have really stupid questions about this country. I’m often ashamed of them, so I save them up for my husband. He laughs at me, answers them, and then brings them up at parties when the conversation hits a lull. It’s awesome. His favorite is one from thirteen years ago when I called him from the Minneapolis airport and mentioned I didn’t know what state I was in. Rookie mistake. I will NEVER again admit it when I don’t know what state I’m in.
(Don’t worry. I get the best revenge. My kids only know the Canadian lyrics to “This Land Is My Land” which will cease to be the best revenge when they get beat up for it at school. Then I will feel bad.)
Back to the Governor’s Mansion—its existence is mind-blowing to me. MIND BLOWING! Is it really a mansion? And do I really capitalize it? I’m going to, whether I’m supposed to or not. Maybe all caps: THE GOVERNOR’S MANSION! And this luncheon is being hosted by the First Lady of Florida—does she wear a tiara and a sash? Do I get to where a tiara and a sash? I’ve lived in this state for seven years and I had no idea that this whole fairy tale land existed! If I’d have known, I’d have been plotting a way into this place way sooner.
Oh, and I’m not snatching hand soap for anybody, so even don’t ask.
Anyway, I was walking around feeling like a champion about the whole thing until I came across this little gem from Jerry Seinfeld:
Mr. JERRY SEINFELD: I think if I was an Olympic athlete, I would rather come in last than win the silver, if you think about it. You know, you win the gold, you feel good. You win the bronze, you think, well, at least I got something. But you win that silver, that’s like congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers, you came in first of that group.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Mr. SEINFELD: You’re the number one loser.
(Soundbite of laughter)
Wow, Jerry. Wow. Thanks a lot.
Being an optimist (that’s a total lie—I firmly believe in pessimism as a way of life, but for the sake of this argument, let’s pretend) I decided to prove Jerry wrong and find some real life examples of super cool second placers:
Justin Guarini: 2nd to Kelly Clarkson in the first season of American Idol, and 2nd to Shirley Temple in the Most-Adorable-Little-Curly-Top contest—hosted,judged, and awarded by me.
Tonya Harding: 2nd woman in history to land a triple axel in competition. Also famous for some other stuff, but why dwell on the negative?
Ben: Of these three, I feel like Ben is the most promising silver medal role model for me right now. First of all, he followed up his 2nd place on the Bachelorette by getting to be the star of the show. Plus he’s been able to meet some really quality women like Courtney-the-sociopath, and Jenna-the-emotionally-stunted-blogger who spent the first three episodes sobbing in the bathroom. I can only hope my silver medal will catapult me to such heights.