The Worst Job Opportunity Ever

Dear neglected Blog,

I have come to a conclusion: I NEED STAFF.

Here’s how I came to it: I’m at the Great Lakes Independent Bookseller Association trade fair where I sat on a YA panel this morning with amazing authors Lisa McMann, Moira Young, and Marie Lu.  They are so impressive and smart, I really felt like I should be taking notes.  Afterwards I was asking Lisa how she manages all the extras on top of writing and she said that some of it was taken care of by staff.  STAFF? YES STAFF!

It was like a lightning bolt to my head.  I NEED STAFF! (Advance apology—the shouting in all caps will only get worse from here on out.)

But if I had staff, what exactly would I delegate? Well, right now I’m realizing I should’ve taken a picture of the YA panel this morning and the signing, so staff person could’ve done that. And I really need someone to call T-Mobile for me and find out why my phone has spontaneously started blocking my husband’s and only my husband’s calls, so I’d ask staff person to do that too.  I might also ask staff person what that really means because it’s kind of weird, like is it symbolic of some kind of emotional wall I’m putting up, because I’m not really feeling like there’s one but maybe the universe is trying to tell me something through T-Mobile.  So staff person needs to have a degree in psychology please.

Also, launch party is in less than 48 hours and I don’t know what I’m wearing.  Do you hear me? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M WEARING! Staff person needs to find something flattering asap.

And of course staff person would go to the grocery store for me, clean my house, do my laundry, etc.  That goes without saying.

I want to do the mothering and the writing.  That’s it.

So if you’re interested in applying for this amazing opportunity, here are details: I’m paying you nothing. Your reward will be the joy you experience while being in my presence.  You should know I’m pretty nice in the morning and pretty mean by dinner time.  Sometimes very mean by dinner.  Also, I occasionally blast Taylor Swift and dance like a maniac with my four-year-old.  This is part of my creative process, and staff person, you should not be disturbed by this or even watch it really.  Yeah, that’s a good idea, avert your eyes.

Staff person, you also need to still be at my house at 11:00 pm to tell me to stop what I’m doing and go to bed, and 2:00 am to tell me to go back to bed because it’s not morning yet even if my body feels like it is.

Also, staff person, I need you to travel with me (on your own dime) and repack my suitcase, because I am not capable of fitting the stacks of books I’ve collected in with my clothes.  So I actually need you to be here in Michigan with me right now.  Get on that.

And in one day, ONE DAY, when Virtuosity launches, staff person, I think I’m going to need you to hold my hand and tell me to chill out.

That’s all.  Send your applications to my staff person….Oh crap.  Never mind.

6 thoughts on “The Worst Job Opportunity Ever

  1. That sounds great! If you find someone, let me know, and I will ask if they know someone who would be available for me! 🙂

  2. Call Amy Hillis, that’s all I’m gonna say, she can fix you up with a great outfit and hold your hand. Best of all I’m sure she will love every minute of it 🙂 Wish I could be there tomorrow!

  3. If I didn’t have these five people who seem to be under the impression that I work for them, I would totally take the position. Well…at least part of it. I also get grouchy at dinner time, hate grocery shopping and cleaning, and know nothing about T-mobile. BUT… I would happily follow you around with my camera documenting your very exciting life… and come over and give “dress-up” advice. How fun would that be? And about your book launch outfit… Skinny jeans, long boots, fitted sweater and a scarf? Pencil skirt, funky jacket and heels? Great jeans, flowy blouse, chunky bracelets & wedge heels? YOU LOOK GREAT IN EVERYTHING. Do I have the job? But seriously, if you need help with anything clothing, child or photography related, don’t hesitate to ask 🙂

  4. Amy, I am considering skinny jeans and tall boots! You read my mind! But I will give you full credit for whatever I wear based on the sheer number of possibilities you suggested.

  5. Move to CHINA! You can get an Ayi for cheep! 🙂 She will clean, run errands for you, take care of kids, etc. But as for picking out your clothes you might look funny 🙂 OH Jessica! I just looked at your blog and the signing party and it made me home sick! It looked so fun. I am so happy for you and can’t wait to put my kids to bed so I can start reading it! Great job 🙂

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